Showing posts with label Community. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Community. Show all posts

When the Antics of the Unvaccinated Become Everyone Else's Problem

I started masking again this week after having an unvaccinated coworker test positive, and another unvaccinated team member continue coming to work while symptomatic without being tested. 

First of all, part of the situation I was put into by the person who originally got infected was that they lied about their vaccine status so they could stop wearing masks. They then proceeded to make all of us part of that lie by telling everyone that's what they were doing.

Think what you want of them. But when they found out they were exposed, they immediately left work, got tested, and quarantined for two weeks. The lie came out. Excrement hit the fan. We're now all paying the price for that lie now by being short staffed.

Part of the mechanism that allows unvaccinated people to get away with this is a conspiracy of silence and acceptance that allows them to believe everyone else is okay with their behavior.

The price of "getting along with those who think differently" is denying the reality of germ theory. Spreading highly infectious and lethal diseases in public is not a "personal choice." That entire line of thinking is bullshit.

So in the spirit of that college kid who was sick and tired of his classmates throwing parties before the vaccines were even developed: I'm telling. 

Don't bother roping me into your conspiracy of "live and let live." Not with me.

Also, I need someone who speaks Idaho to please interpret the hypocrisy of my team giving ME a hard when the clients in my appointments refuse to mask, when nary a one of them has touched a mask in weeks. I am incapable of understanding that logic. It seems to me that if the circumstances have changed since the masking policy was lifted and you no longer feel safe being around clients who aren't masked, you have a pretty obvious choice available to you. And it's not to fuss at me.

I have been Mormon for fifteen years. I went to BYU, the Ivy League of snitching. I was the mission snitch. I'm the snitchiest snitch of them all. Countless lessons I've sat through on Being the Most Pretentious Person Dying on Any Given Hill.

I was prepared for this exact moment.

What good was any of that tedious moralizing if we're not going to be on the side of telling the truth and doing the right thing during a global pandemic? 

Tolerance as a Christ-like Attribute

The Hand of God, YongSung Kim
Because I'm in a new ward and I just met my new bishop on Sunday, I'm anticipating having the opportunity to speak in church soon. I haven't spoken in church since my faith transition. Even introducing myself feels endlessly fraught and complicated now.

I'm realizing though that I've had talk on Tolerance formulating in my head for the past two weeks. So if I get the chance to speak, it will probably be about that. What put me on that path was something I heard the Elder's Quorum President say. He was quoting President Monson out of context to caution about the risks of being too tolerant. It made me realize that a mistrust of tolerance has been going on in LDS discourse for a long time.

It's only in recent years that a false dichotomy has been drawn between being loyal to God/the institutional Church and being tolerant to social change in our discourse. Before that, it was seen as a virtue. An attribute of Christ. A hallmark of discipleship.

Tolerance is not a weakness or a moral failure. That may be how it's presented in the Republican party. But that's an attitude with no place in the Church. 

Tolerance is a skill, a talent, and a spiritual gift given by God to facilitate compassion. Tolerance is how we exercise patience with others. It's how we are challenged to see issues from more than one perspective. It's how we learn to admit that our way of looking at the world is not the only way to see it. Exercising tolerance with people who are different from us gives us opportunities to receive correction and repent. It's a necessary part of being in a Church that believes in continuing revelation.

We live in an environment where it is rare that we are given the full, objective truth about anyone or anything. There are hidden actors behind algorithms trying to further their own agendas by influencing what we think about literally everything. Their goal is to catch us unaware and uninformed because that's when we're most susceptible to being manipulated. Social media platforms operate to prioritize engagement. They figured out years ago that generating conflict and feeding insecurities are the best ways to do that.

Who we trust. Who we mistrust. Who we love. Who we dehumanize. How we see those around us—it's all being fed to us by machines, programmed by people we don't know and will never meet. These same forces are at work within the Church. We are not immune to those influences. The confrontations at play within our society are at play within the Church. Deepening mistrust and the normalization of disrespect based entirely on political ideologies and social issues have taught us to withhold our compassion from each other.

I've seen those campaigns at work. I've watched as members of the Church have done real harm to others because of how they've been radicalized online. I've been on the receiving end of those attacks more than once.

Exercising tolerance is an opportunity for us to develop the gift of discernment—to recognize and reject that manipulation. Committing to exercise tolerance will protect us from the campaigns at work trying to spread racism, sexism, hatred, prejudice, and violence.

In overcoming these influences, we have a perfect example in Jesus Christ—the one who ate with tax collectors and sex workers. The one who saved the adulteress from being stoned in the street because he could see the predatory guilt in her accusers.

Jesus Christ is the perfect example of tolerance. It's the single most important example he ever set. Why do I say that? Because his compassion is what we love most about him. It's what allows him to be our Savior. He saves us from the cruelty of this world.

In the Sermon on the Mount in Matt.5:44-48, Jesus gave the commandment for us to be perfect like our Heavenly Parents. He didn't say that the route to that perfection would be obedience to law. When we read those verses in context, Jesus taught it would be in our capacity to love our enemies, to pray for them, and to tolerate the people who are different from us that we become perfect. Tolerance is the pathway to becoming Christ-like.

That is the single most important skill we will ever learn. It's the entire purpose of coming to mortality—to learn to encounter and embrace differences when it's not an easy thing to do. That is the only way we will ever develop the capacity for the universal, unconditional love our Heavenly Parents have for all of their children.
 
One of my favorite sacrament hymns is "In Humility, Our Savior." It's short. It's a beautiful use of alto voices. It was written by a woman. And it brought us this gem:
"Fill our hearts with sweet forgiving, Teach us tolerance and love."
Tolerance brings the healing and peace of Christ to those who embrace it. I know I need it. My church needs it. My country needs it. This world we share needs it.

The Virtues of Asking for Help

Today, the youth speaker was asked to talk about what faith in Christ means to her. She talked about what she learned from the example of Captain Moroni. She really admires the way he took care of others. She's the third youth speaker I've heard in this ward talk about self-reliance. Maybe that's their theme for this month?

She said made me think about an attribute of self-reliance I've never thought about before.

Self-reliance isn't about being so capable and prepared for life that you never need anyone else's help. It's recognizing when you need help and being secure enough to ask for it. That's what Captain Moroni does in that story. (See Alma 43)

He doesn't arm his people by himself. He doesn't construct fortifications, build cities, gather intelligence through reconnaissance, or even seek divine guidance by himself. There's no Lone Rugged Frontiersman™ Americans love so much. An honest reading of this story doesn't lend itself to that.

People who never ask for help, even when they need it, are not self-reliant. They usually end up spreading their frustration with their inability to do everything themselves onto those around them in the form of emotional contagion.

Every person I've ever met who refuses to ask for help expects others to do their emotional regulating for them. Usually in the form of concealing any form of disagreement or difference for the sake of that person's ego.
 
Real self-reliance requires having the awareness, humility, and confidence to ask for help. To accept that your independence exists with the help of a collective who gives their labor to you for free, even if you don't ask. 
 
None of us are an island, even when we try.

Setting Boundaries in a New Ward


Now that we're in a new ward, I've been practicing and rehearsing all the weird boundary conversations I get to have with the folks around me.

"It's not that I'm unwilling to serve in a calling. It's that if you're asking for anything that takes more than an hour on a Sunday to do, the answer is No. I don't have the time or energy for that."

"For the sake of clarity from the outset. I don't have kids. Yes, it's because I can't have them. Yes, it does mean I don't particularly enjoy being around your children. Do not ask me for free babysitting or callings in Primary."

"Do not ask my husband about my infertility (or anything else about me) behind my back. He will tell me. It will upset me. Talk to ME about me, please. Thank you."

"I am perfectly willing to say 'No' to you if you ask me for something I don't want to do. This is not an invitation to convince me. It means my decision has been made."

"If you ask me what I think about something, you're going to get an honest answer from me. That's the way God made me. Deal with it."

"If you want a good relationship with me, don't assume that because I've served a mission and been a temple worker that I am an endless reservoir of time and talent for you to pull from. That is not my life anymore."

How to Handle Missionaries After Leaving the Church

Former members of the Church. Let's talk about the frustration you feel whenever you find yourselves interacting with missionaries against your will.

Y'all hate when people knock on your door. You hate that your consent to withdraw is never respected. You hate when toxic messaging shows up uninvited.

And yes. You could choose to spread the emotional contagion around by taking those frustrations out on a couple of 18 year old strangers. You could try lashing out at the institution that has hurt you via the person who is now, and will probably always be, powerless to change the situations you're actually mad about.

And I understand the temptation. Believe me. When you've set boundaries, added your name to the ward's Do Not Contact list, or even taken you name off the records of the Church, and you still have missionaries showing up at your house. It's frustrating! Especially when you've done your best to decline politely, communicating with them as an adult by saying "The way you can serve me best right now is making sure you and others at church don't come to see me anymore."

You've done all the right things. But in the endless shuffle of missionaries coming and going, leadership changes, and unit boundary shuffling, they're still showing up.

But let me tell you a secret about being a missionary, from someone who served a mission.

Rather than wasting your energy getting angry at this situation, you could choose to occupy a permanent space in their head instead.

Do you know who haunts me still and keeps me up at night a decade later?

The people who were abused and abandoned by the Church who told me their stories. The ones who made me think, for the first time, "This isn't okay. This shouldn't be happening. They deserve better than this." Those are the moments that made me realize that as long as the Church won't serve everyone, it can't save everyone.

There was a gay man in my first area in Brazil who joined a different church after coming out to his family. We ran into him at a grocery store. We'd seen him before because part of his family was still active. He was a returned missionary. He loved God. He loved being part of a church community. And in the middle of the grocery store, he just started telling us his story.

What became obvious to me is that he never wanted to leave the Church. There was a very real part of him that still wanted to come back.

"How can I be there, being what I am?"

That question is forever carved into the side of my brain.

He did that. He changed my life forever in that moment. That was the first time I really understood what the Church loses, the harm it does, by refusing to affirm our LGBTQ+ community in full fellowship.

I cried myself to sleep that night because I wanted so badly to snap my fingers and make the Church better in this one way, and I just couldn't. There was nothing I could do for him. And he made me realize that in a way I can never deny again.

Because he chose to engage with me as a person, it gave me the opportunity to do the same with him. That interaction has permanently changed who I've become as a member of the Church. For the rest of my life, I'm different now because one former member of the Church chose to tell me his story.

Former members of the Church don't owe those who stay that emotional labor. But if you're in a situation where whatever combination of circumstances has brought missionaries to your door, it's worth remembering you have a choice in how you respond. And who knows? Maybe you have exactly the right message a young Elder or Sister needs to learn, and they can only learn it from you.

Why I'm Still Trying

I've talked quite a bit about how I've arrived on the other side of my crisis of certainty and the fuller embrace of my faith. I don't want to call this a "Why do I stay?" because that implies that I'm physically present on some consistent basis.

It's more like "Why am I still trying?"


The answer may not be profoundly feminist or original. But it's the truth. My husband and I have our own weird little corner of Mormonism that we occupy together. Our own private planet where our beliefs and experiences have a life of their own.

Because of his sense of humor, he's allergic to ever taking anything too seriously. He loves an irreverent joke. His favorite thing is when someone pops off with nonsense in sacrament meeting because he finds it endlessly funny. He goes to church, in part, to laugh at people.

As an uptight overachiever in recovery, I can't express to you how unnaturally this came to me. To me, Church was not for laughing. Church was for doing serious things for serious people who are serious because that is correct. 

So much of what bothers me about the Church experience doesn't phase him because he doesn't care at all about what other people think. I can't express to you how little he cares that there are people at Church who are openly ridiculous in what they say and do. He says to me over and over again, "They aren't why I go." What this means is our shared religious life stays largely between us. Other people aren't a part of it. It's just us, discussing thoughts and ideas together in a shared language of belief.

When institutional Church became unbearable for me to sit through, I still had him and our weird little space together. He didn't withdraw that from me. He didn't try to force orthodoxy on me. He just gave me the space to figure out my own inner world and shared in it with me.

I've seen a lot of cases where Mormonism becomes another thing that pulls a couple apart when one of them chooses to distance themselves from the institutional Church. My husband never did that to me. He didn't let that happen to us. He went through it with me. I'm not the same person I was when we got married. I will probably never be that person again. He didn't view that as some violation of some contract we had. I don't owe him that. Change is part of the messy business of being human. He'd be the first person to tell you that.

I don't want the version of Mormonism that doesn't believe in science or vaccination, endorses insurrection, disrespects women, and turns a blind eye to racism and the torture of LGBTQ+ people. I want the version of Mormonism that exists in my home, where none of that is welcome. I want to inhabit the version of Mormonism that lives in my husband's heart, where respect, equality, and good sense are paramount. Where nobody is ever a second-class citizen, least of all me. 

Why do I believe there is a future in the Church I'm willing to try for? Because I see it, fully embodied, in the person my husband already is, and in the person he's becoming. 

In our home, we don't have to wait for some unknowable future to see it. It's already here.

Making Virtual Church Attendance Permanent

I just found out that my stake is making virtual church attendance permanent.


The only thing that can kill it now is the kibosh from Salt Lake or a refusal to cooperate from other members of the stake. Here's why that would be a mistake, based on every person I can think of who would benefit from this change:

  • Parents with young or sick children, especially mothers recovering from the physical demands of pregnancy.
  • Folks with mobility issues who physically cannot get to the church building, especially our elderly friends with all kinds of physical challenges.
  • Those who are investigating the church who want to see what a congregation is like before they commit to show up in person.
  • Those with mental health challenges (myself included) who find it difficult to be around large groups of people, especially of the touchy-feely variety.
  • Those who are immune compromised, who really need to limit their social interactions for their ongoing well being and safety.
  • Those who have been away from church for many years who aren't sure if they want to commit to taking the plunge to return. It gives them a chance to get acquainted with people from a distance so learning new names and faces isn't so intimidating.
  • Marginalized groups who are afraid of how they would be received if they showed up in person.
  • Folks who live in neighborhoods that don't get plowed in inclement weather.
  • Poor and broke folks who can't afford the money in gas to go to the church building, especially if they live far away.
  • People in part member families who are constantly away from their loved ones on Sundays. This can create so many bad feelings and unnecessary stress for our friends.
  • People who are traveling, but still want to go to church with their families. Rather than crashing other people's wards, they can attend their own.
  • People in stake callings who can't remember the last time they went to their own wards and have no idea what's going on.
  • Underage folks whose parents can't bring them to church, but who still want to participate in church meetings—without getting rides from strangers they don't know.
  • People in the pews who want to invite their friends and family members to church in the least intrusive way possible.
  • Families going through terrible divorces who need separation from each other.
  • Chronically ill people (think IBS, terrible menses, etc.) who spend more time in the bathroom than in the pews anyway.
  • People who get to the building after the parking lot fills up and the foyer couch is already occupied.
  • People who have to work on Sundays.
  • Missionaries who are homesick and just need to see some familiar faces.
  • Single parents who can't wrangle children on their own.
  • Those with religious trauma who struggle to attend in person, but want to work through their feelings from a safe, more comfortable distance.
And these are just all the situations I could think of off the top of my head. I'm sure there are others. It should be clear now this is a change that would bless pretty much everyone in a congregation at some point, in all kinds of situations.

Being "One Flesh" at Church


In light of Harry and Meghan's interview with Oprah, it got me thinking about my temple recommend interview yesterday. What I loved about it was seeing two people love and prioritize each other over an institution that doesn't know how to love or care for them at all.

To have that when your relationship is connected to an institution that feels it has a claim on you is a beautiful thing. It involves saying "no" and facing fears so many times. Being willing to be punished because you won't kiss the ring.

Yesterday, I was honest about my concerns on so many subjects during my temple recommend interview. I was told those concerns were not nearly as important as my performance and presence in person at church, even when it contradicts the decision my husband and I made together to continue socially distancing. This isn't the first time someone from the institutional church has tried to come between me and my husband. It won't be the last. We learned from the very beginning, before we were ever even married, not to give anyone outside our marriage space to do this. Not even the Church.

So when I see Harry and Meghan talking about an institution using this same tactic against them, I know what that's like. I know how it feels. There are lessons our institution can learn from this, how toxic it is when this is what we tolerate in our marriages from someone else.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, especially for those from my current ward watching me. My husband and I are a united front. We make our decisions together. A "no" from me is in equal force a "no" from him. You won't use us against each other, so don't try. If you talk about me behind my back or try to conspire with him to get what you want out of me, I will know because he will tell me. He always has. He always will. 

That shouldn't surprise you. It's what a loving, loyal family looks like. It's what you taught him to be.

My friends who stay, this is some of my distilled wisdom from my oil lamp to yours. Don't believe the myth that allowing outside forces to interfere in your marriage will somehow strengthen it, especially when the one doing it is the Church. 
 
"One flesh" doesn't include them.

Understanding Anti-Vaxxers in the Church


In light of the announcement that the Church is helping to fund UNICEF's effort to develop a COVID-19 vaccine, the backlash from a certain type of church member was both immediate and predictable. One example:

"The church funding a UNICEF vaccine feels far too globalist to me and I cannot understand what the hell is happening to people in this church."

Let's talk about this and take it apart. I call this one the "You People" offensive. I'm sensing that those of y'all who were born and raised in the Church aren't accustomed to having this thrown at you.

There's a kind of moral licensing that takes place within the Church on the part of those who are born and raised in it. No, not everyone. But enough people that it's one of the most deeply frustrating aspects of being a convert. Many who are born and raised in the Church genuinely believe that this makes them natural experts on the institution. This is reinforced by the natural nepotism within the Church for the oldest families to hold almost all leadership positions. 

Those born and raised outside of the Church are viewed with a natural suspicion, even once they join. They are assumed to be less capable and untrustworthy, regardless of any experiences or knowledge they've gained in their personal lives. I'm realizing as I say this that I didn't just study scripture, church history, institutional procedure, and cultural practice because I found them to be spiritually uplifting or edifying. I also did it as a means of protecting myself from people in the pews next to me.

I made a conscious choice to never, ever use being a convert as an excuse not to know something. I never wanted anyone to use that against me, to the point where I stopped openly telling people I was a convert.
 
Why? Because people did use it against me. They would make assumptions about how much I did or didn't know, and change how much they listened to me and valued what I had to say once they found out I was a convert. They viewed me as an outsider, and that it was their personal responsibility to guide and correct me to "correct" ways of thinking as a church member.

As a result, those habits have placed me into a position where I now know quite a bit more about the institutional church, its history and practices, than the average member. I am now constantly amazed at how little some Mormons know about the Church they were raised in, while simultaneously making their church membership their only personality trait. So at the same time that they're completely unfamiliar with the Church's extensive history of funding and participating in vaccination development and distribution, they view themselves as the natural choice to condemn that participation as "globalist."

That's how we end up in a situation where the same conservative person, fomenting the words of former President Boyd K. Packer in their church lessons and lectures to others, espouses an anti-vaccination take while having no idea that President Packer openly supported vaccination as a survivor of misdiagnosed childhood polio. The lifelong challenges of living with polio complications were with President Packer until the day he died. To reject vaccination is probably the most disrespectful stance a member of the Church can take in his memory.
 
It's frustrating. It's embarrassing. But the one thing I need my fellow church members to understand, from where I'm sitting, it that there's one thing it's not.
 
This isn't new. This type of church member has always been this way. Y'all who were born and raised in the Church have just been blissfully unaware of it until now because it's only now that their targets are focused on you.

President Nelson's Gratitude Challenge

I've been listening to all kinds of perspectives about President Nelson's #GiveThanks challenge. It seems to me like the Church's energy could've been spent much better on a campaign about humility instead of gratitude.

The pandemic is the closest thing to divine retribution, where those who dug a pit for their neighbors have fallen in themselves, as I've ever seen in my lifetime. To focus on positivity in this moment, I feel, misses the point of what God has always communicated through disease. Plagues and diseases in scripture are the great equalizers in society, where those with with, power, and position are finally forced onto equal footing with everyone else, experiencing the same devastation that their money can't protect them from.

Like famines and droughts, they cease only when there is a humbling of spirit, a reckoning with the moral failure within one's own soul. When selfishness and indifference to our neighbor's suffering is confronted, challenged, and finally eliminated.

I find it interesting that what this situation calls for most—submission to the empirical knowledge of secular authorities in the wearing of masks, and the solitude and reflection of social distancing—are acts that require humility particularly from religious individuals. 

Like many of the policies from this administration, how we respond to COVID-19 and the restrictions that attend to it reveal his much we really value ourselves and our neighbor. We're all collectively witnessing this in families, in employments, and in society as a whole.

When we reach the end of this, we will know who the villains are who surround us. We will see the private evils in the businesses we have our money to, the schools that teach our children, the organizations we supports, and the institutions that claim to care for us.

We have a choice. 

We can look the truth in the face, accept the facts as they have always existed around us, and rise to the challenge we've been given.

Or we can look away, hide our faces in shame, and maintain the status quo as it existed before all of this began. 

A necessary component of what will allow us to make the right choice is not gratitude alone. It will be humility that heals us, and ultimately asked us to go forth from this moment changed and bettered by the experience.

Confronting the Refusal to Mask with Church Members


If you need help making sense out of COVID-19 getting worse by the day, I found something that might help.

Whenever natural disasters happen, the official response, despite generations of evidence to the contrary, is to assume two things: 

  1. The public is going to panic.
  2. The only way to control that public panic is an outpouring of violence.

In reality, the ingrained public response is compassion, a desire to help, and the decision to mobilize without being asked. Laypeople in communities come together to start putting their lives back together as a natural response to disaster almost immediately. The biggest obstacle the public faces in those efforts tends to be officials purposefully getting in their way. Officials panicking, and assuming the public will panic if they see the truth for themselves, ends up causing the very panic they're trying to avoid.

This is called "elite panic," and it's a well-studied trauma response from people in leadership. The ones who panic in a situation, and who end up doing the most damage through their panicking, are wealthy elites who don't know how to respond to chaos and misfortune.

This not only explains why the immediate reaction to COVID-19 was so bad, it also explains why the response for so many isn't getting any better after almost a year passing. Anyone who studies human resiliency will tell you that's not normal. 

I have a theory that our hunkering down and trying to protect ourselves through isolation is part of why this is happening. In a situation where we all want to naturally come together and comfort each other, we just can't do that in-person. For the generation of folks who don't understand how to use the tools to come together virtually, their circumstances have placed them into a situation where not being able to help means they can't heal. 

Am I suggesting we throw caution to the wind and come together and risk infecting one another? Absolutely not. But we need to find other ways of helping each other. Instead of focusing on everyone else we believe to be the problem, we need to become part of the solution.

At the risk of sounding Very Mormon, the people in our lives who are refusing to mask up and take this seriously need someone to serve. If they're ever going to get out of the selfish feedback loops from watching too much Fox News and spending too much time on Facebook, they need to be helping to make things better. 

The next time you see our hear one of your relatives complaining about wearing masks, don't fight with them. Don't accuse them of not caring or being the problem. Ask them what they've done to help someone else. Challenge them to do it. Our friends, family members, and neighbors may be Republicans who have been taken in by the most corrupt incarnation of the GOP that has ever existed, but they're still Mormons. They need reminding of what that means, what that looks like.

In hurricane cleanup, it meant going into people's yards to remove fallen trees, tarping roofs, and giving people needed supplies. Those needs are no less dire now that record numbers of people are unemployed or underemployed, people are running out of money, and more will die.

The best time to have gotten the COVID-19 response right would've been a year ago when it first landed in our country. The second best time is now. It's not too late to start doing better with masking and social distancing. It's not too late to do the right thing. Part of doing the right thing is honoring the long standing tradition of finding someone to help—especially if they're having a worse time of things than you are.

If the Mormons in your life have forgotten that tradition, don't be afraid to remind them.  

Violent Backlash to COVID-19 Restrictions

I wasn't listening to general conference yesterday because husband and I have taken up typewriter collection and repair as a COVID-19 hobby. We took a brief trip down to Utah to find new machines and visit with friends, stopping at antique shops in towns and cities between Boise and Salt Lake City. We got in last night.

We are zealots when it comes to masking, hand washing, sanitizer, and taking every precaution we can to be safe and to allow others to be safe in our presence. In several places we stopped in Utah and Idaho, we were alone in that sentiment.

This summer in Idaho has been difficult. Armed counter protestors have made the city I live in feel like there is no refuge here except in my own house. When the mayor of Boise instituted a mask mandate, right wing protesters showed up in person to take the masks our tax dollars have paid for and burned them in the street. We had Ammon Bundy showing up here with unmasked, armed resistance in opposition to COVID-19 restrictions. He and his supporters stormed the capitol building multiple times and he had to be forcibly removed.

The life altering moment for me, however, was when Black Lives Matter tried to have a peaceful protest downtown. Armed groups, intending to commit real violence, made it necessary to cancel the event. As a precaution, the mayor urged BLM protestors not to show up at City Hall where their protest was supposed to take place. But police were mobilized anyway in case violence erupted on site.

My husband was working traffic control remotely for that incident. He received images of police with high caliber rifles, ready to open fire on the public at that protest if things went sideways. 

So, when I heard President Oaks' talk condemning violent protest, I'll be honest. Rioters and looters from BLM were the furthest people from my mind because we never experienced that here. That's not who initiates violence and chaos where I live. Militia groups, Trump supporters, and far right factions in the Idaho Republican party are the ones who engage in violent threats and armed resistance in Idaho. Those are the groups who stand condemned by President Oaks in my city.

Is it understandable to me that other people specifically felt like he was targeting Black Lives Matter with his remarks? Of course. He didn't choose to be explicit in the groups he was condemning. Being vague means he lost control of his message.

But is that the only way to interpret much of what he said? No. 

I wish he would've been more clear to avoid misunderstandings like these. Being vague risks deepening the divisions that are already at a breaking point in so many communities in this country. I am glad that the leaders of the Church are making attempts to confront the polarization and violence spreading across the planet. It's long past due, given that right-wing prejudice is being perpetuated by our own.

I saw a criticism about them not providing us with any kind of concrete actions to eliminate racism in our congregations. I understand the desire for this. Based on some of the people I met in northern Utah on my trip, I can promise you it wouldn't help. The people who most need to be confronted about racism and prejudice aren't going to be in settings where they will receive that correction. The rare few who are will not be ready in this moment to metabolize it.

Confronting racism in yourself begins with uncomfortable, honest self-reflection. It involves an unflinching moral inventory of yourself and your actions. I would argue there have already been calls for this from multiple speakers. I wouldn't call that nothing or insignificant, even if it is ultimately ineffective.

It's easy to want people to be where you are, with the understanding you have of what is needed to confront racism. Right now, we're still working on getting people to even want  to do that. Being honest with ourselves about that is the first step to making lasting change.
 
We could all be operating from a list of mandated changes to our congregations to eliminate racism. Or we can each be opening ourselves to divine correction, asking in sincere prayer "What can I do?" Then committing to act on the actions we ourselves come up with. I think the people who are most receptive to the former are people who are already doing the latter. 
 
I trust that if we follow the counsel we've been given to reject racism, more will follow. And it will be the answer to many prayers for change.

Six Reason I'm Not Going Back to Church in Person Yet

I've seen a lot of posts from people who are very concerned about going back to church at this point because there's absolutely nothing substantial that will prevent the spread of contagion there. I not only support you, I'm here to add fuel to your fire. I wouldn't go back to church right now even if you paid me.


 Reason 1: My church building has not been cleaned in months. It probably won't be cleaned before services begin. And even if it is, the lackadaisical cleaning crews of volunteers will not maintain the sanitary conditions required to prevent contagion from spreading.

Reason 2: At 99 spots in sacrament meeting, those spots should be reserved for single women, widows, and the fatherless who have no other access to the sacrament in their homes. There's no reason for families who can bless and pass their own sacrament to take those spots.

Reason 3: There is no rule saying I cannot continue to do home church whenever I need to. Especially if it's better for my mental health or personal circumstances. Home church works better for me? Then I'm going to keep doing it, through the pandemic and beyond.

Reason 4: I don't need to justify my absence from a building to anyone. Go back and read Alma 32. God doesn't need a church building or a formal meeting to reach out and bless my life. I'm not going to make the mistake of believing otherwise.

Reason 5: The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. I don't come from a family who doesn't get that. I'm not filled with guilt and complexes any time I miss church for any reason, no matter how valid. There is no perfect attendance award for church.

Reason 6: I fundamentally disagree with church membership in states like Idaho, whose infection rates are allegedly "relatively low," being used as guinea pigs to test drive what reopening the Church could look like everywhere else.       

Prioritizing the Elderly in our COVID-19 Precautions

Look y'all. I wasn't trying to have a repeat of when y'all told me I was overreacting when I said to get masks at the end of February because asymptomatic spread was the real threat. I had no intentions of coming back onto Twitter until after the election.

I'm here only because I have something to say that's important enough to me that I want it to be heard and remembered in this moment. And if you think it's an overreaction, realize I don't care because you are not at the heart of what I'm going to say.

If you have an elderly person in your life who lives in a senior community of any kind—nursing home, long term care, independent senior housing—now is the time to call them. Show them that you care, that you're thinking of them. Tell them you love them.

I realize you're probably busy with all the balls you have up in the air with your own life. Especially if you have other people you're already taking care of. Compassion fatigue is real. Believe me, I've had it. I understand it. Do what you can to take care of yourself. But if you're not already taking time to spend with the elderly members of your family in whatever way that is possible, you need to start now. Don't make excuses. Don't assume you have more time. Do it now.

I have a grandmother in her 70s living in a senior apartment community in the Baltimore suburbs. This woman means the world to me. She kept us alive after my mom left my father and had to raise two kids with no child support. She bought my Christmas presents more than once. She bought my school clothes. She was the one source of stability, normalcy, and unconditional love in my life when I was young. I love that woman more than I have the ability to put into words. She lives in my tenderest heart.

The political forces in this country, specifically within the Republican party and various conservative movements, are playing fast and loose with her life. They don't care if she lives or dies, as long as they can continue exploiting people around her to make money.

My cousins and I had a group video chat with her on Facebook last night. My grandmother isn't comfortable with that technology. She has four Facebook pages because she keeps losing her passwords. But she tries because she loves her grandchildren that much. Her smile at seeing us all together like that, the one thing that makes her truly happy, allowed me forget all of that for a moment. As she has laid aside so much for me, I tried to do the same for her. To do my part to give her a good experience.

The thought that any conversation with her could be my last is never far from my thoughts. The anguish that causes me is profound. There's nothing I can do to protect her. And because of her health issues, I have zero hope that she would recover if she became infected.

As much as it hurts me to say this, I am preparing to say goodbye if it comes to that. It cleaves my heart in two to say it, especially because I know I wouldn't be able to go to her funeral. One of the most important people in my life. My Mom Mom. A life without her in it.

Not everyone has that kind of relationship with their grandparents. I understand that. But to care is a choice, and it's a choice you can make at any time. Consider yourself. Should you care more than you do? Should you show that care more? Then start today.

And for the love of all that is good and sacred in this world, wear a mask when you're out in public. Correctly, please. Cover your nose. Tight seal around the edges. Wash your hands. Cover your mouth when you cough. 
 
I live in Idaho, a state that is loosening restrictions. I have been disgusted to see the number old people here who are not taking this seriously at all. No masks, or masks worn incorrectly. Not covering coughs or sneezes. Not keeping six feet of distance in crowded places.
 
I will continue wearing masks and talking all the same precautions I did before. I am treating this like nothing has changed, because it hasn't. I am proceeding like I have my grandmother's life, the lives of so many grandmother's, in my hands. Why? Because I do.
 
If you're not going through this situation like the life of someone you care about depends on you doing the right thing, you need to start. And if you're not taking the time to express that love to the people in your life, do it now before it may be too late 

What's going on with Corona Virus?


In case you haven't been following corona virus, here's what you need to know: Because of the slow incubation period, combined with inadequate responses from every government, the virus has already spread to an untold number of places.

By the time enough people are getting sick that the government knows they need to do something, it's already too late. It's only a matter of time before communities in the U.S. start becoming infected in a widespread way.

Here's the crucial point: racism is not going to save you at this point. Avoiding Asian people and establishments is not going to prevent you from getting sick. You're more likely to get sick from a white person who has been to China recently than Asian people who live here full time and have for years.

If you develop cold or flu symptoms, do all the stuff you would normally do for a cold. Clean shared surfaces. Cover your mouth when you cough. Wash your hands frequently. Avoid sharing contact of your mouth and nose fluids with anyone else. If your illness turns into pneumonia or you have trouble breathing, get medical attention immediately. Get tested for corona virus. 

My husband's coworker just got tested for it here in Idaho (was negative) so they're doing testing at hospitals at least.

As for emergency preparedness in case your community gets hit badly enough that public services start shutting down, start working on essentials so you would need to leave your house as infrequently as possible. What do you buy a lot that you can't live without? Stock up on that. Stock up on medication to avoid having to go to the pharmacy. And if you have animals, don't forget to stock up for them too.

As for specific items to have on hand, the first items to go through shortages are face masks and hand sanitizer. If you want to access those in an emergency, get them now. Also, stick up on trash bags, as anyone who becomes infected needs to isolate their trash and double bag.

I also saw that the Chinese are sanitizing drains to prevent spread from the sewer. Something to think about if you live in close proximity to other people. 

If you don't have a lot of money for disinfectant, buy bleach and learn how to dilute with water in a spray bottle. Get in the habit of sanitizing items and surfaces that are frequently touched like cabinets, water taps, door handles, remotes, etc.

If you have contact with the elderly, young people, sick people, or immune compromised people, this is especially important for you. Those are the people who are most susceptible to becoming gravely ill. Start enforcing good hygiene for yourself and others.

We can minimize the spread of infection by doing some pretty basic stuff. We already know there's a viable risk, so start taking precautions now.
 
[Note: This is a repost of a Twitter thread I wrote at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic. It was based on the best available information at that time. For updated guidance on COVID-19, consult the guidelines of the World Health Organization, the Centers for Disease Control, or the health ministry where you live.]

The Sacredness of Informality

Went to the sacrament meeting service at my mother-in-law's nursing home. Our services in general already exist at a weird intersection between the formal and the informal. The service at the nursing home is homemade and fully embraces the informal in a way typical church services do not, but perhaps they should.

Image courtesy of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
 

I was thinking about this as I was watching a father who was trying to run the meeting with his young daughter in tow. She, having been through one set of meetings today, was unprepared to be still any longer and was hanging on his leg. The pianist was out of town, so they were using the pre-recorded hymns. The tempo is faster on those than most people sing, and the effect is compounded when people are elderly. 

Some people might say it was cudgeled together. A mess. Not fitting for the sacred nature of the ordinance. And on and on.

I personally like it better this way. No ornamentation. No pretenses. No illusion that the meeting is anything other than what it is.

As I took the sacrament today, I thought about which I thought was more important to God: the attempt to do something good, or actually accomplishing it.

There are times when getting things exactly right is worth the continued effort. Things like figuring out how to lift people out of poverty, conquering prejudice, and making amends for deep wrongs. They're worth sticking with until we get them right.

But for most other things, especially the things in religion that are purely stylistic, these things can easily distract from worship and become the Church experience. 

What clothes someone wears, the way they pray, the mechanics of how someone traverses their presence in the shared space of Church. All of that is fundamentally inessential. It may be a reflection of worship, but it is not in and of itself worship.

There is value in honoring the attempt, rather than what is accomplished. People may never fully accomplish what they intended to do. But the effort has value. 

I'm realizing that's what I liked about Mormonism. It wasn't accomplishment. It was the aspiration of becoming holy.

Church Finances: Then, Now, and in the Future

This week, people are responding to the leak regarding the Church's finances. I also see some people who are deeply upset, so I thought I would provide a jumping off point for processing those feelings. If this is something you care about, you need to check out the work of D. Michael Quinn has done on the subject of the Church's finances.

He wrote the book on this subject, exploring the history of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and its finances. In this three-volume collection, Quinn details the history of the Church, including how the organization went from nearly going bankrupt to becoming one of the richest corporations in the world. To my knowledge, there is no other resource as well-researched and comprehensive as his.

Mormon Stories and the Salt Lake Tribune have done interviews with him discussing what he found. They should be required listening for every person who has ever felt some type of way about paying tithing.

Here's the big takeaway I learned from Quinn:

The Church is not financially solvent in any country outside of North America. The tithing/monies members pay in their own countries would not be enough to support their basic operations in almost every country where the Church has a presence. By investing the money they receive in North America, the Church is able to multiply it before distributing it to other nations throughout the world.

With the unprecedented access that Quinn received into the Church's financial records, past and present, he makes the case that without these investments, the global church wouldn't exist the way we know it today.

The Cost of Temple Operations

I've seen a lot of criticism on Twitter from people about what the Church spends on its facilities, and particularly its temples. I want to provide some insight into this for others who have never had any personal experiences with this aspect the Church's facility management.

My last calling in the Church was as an ordinance worker. I saw parts of the temple most other people never see. I saw the work that went into cleaning and maintaining the building. I participated in it on multiple occasions. The Church uses quality materials in its temple construction because the wear and active use on those facilities is very high. Even with spending that kind of money, the wear on the furniture, the fixtures, the molding, the carpets, etc is tremendous. Sure, you can use cheaper materials. That means they would wear out and break faster and need to be replaced more often. Using cheaper materials would ultimately be a waste of money.

Now, you may think temples themselves are a waste of money because the services that take place in them are unimportant or irrelevant to you. That you feel that way is totally valid. But you need to understand it's not going to change the lived experience of anyone else. There will always be people who go to the temple and find value in that experience. They will do it at a high cost to themselves, if that's what it takes.

The Church's efforts to alleviate that burden? That's not a bad thing.

Now, here's the rock and the hard place regarding facility management in other countries. How do you balance using quality materials that don't constantly have to be replaced vs. building an extravagant facility that is out of place in the local community? 

What are the implications of building cheaper, lower quality buildings in other countries, just because the members in those countries don't have as many resources to support their operations? Are people in Ghana undeserving of a temple as nice as the people in Draper, Utah? 

How does racism play into the narrative of what we believe is "too nice for some people"? 

If the Church clearly has enough money to feed people and build temples... why get mad at them when they choose to do both?

As the Church continues to build more temples, the distribution of the costs of operating them will continue to shift, pulling from smaller and smaller groups of people who likely can't support the costs on their own.

So, why not stick with the Hinckley mini-temple? Surely those provide the best of both worlds? Nope! And I can tell you from personal experience why that doesn't work. Each temple, no matter its size, has a minimum number of people required to staff it every day. That's five days with (typically) three shifts each day. When you have smaller temples, you have to provide the same number of workers to serve fewer patrons. It's ideal only in some circumstances.

Mini temples created situations in many rural areas where all the people who might've attended the temple as a patron have to staff it, and there aren't enough people who actively go to sustain attendance to justify the building and its operation costs. I watched that process play out when the Meridian temple was built, the Boise temple district was broken up, and the impact that had on our staff and patrons.

 

Carving from the outside of the Meridian Idaho Temple during construction.

All of this is actively monitored and calculated into the decision to build a temple. No temple is ever built without financial allotments for how the building will be constructed, but also how it will be maintained deep into the future.

How could the Church improve its financial transparency?

Let's speak to the heart of the concern people have: $100 billion seems like a bananapants number when you look at it completely divorced from any context. A reasonable person would say, "Okay, so let's be informed and not ignore the context for it." Money is a necessary part of running any organization, especially a global one. We all understand that. My criticism, based on what I know, has nothing to do with the $100 billion number. It's the fact that contextualizing it is impossible because transparency from the Church about its own finances is nonexistent.
 
I've seen people recalling toxic moments they have had in paying tithing, largely due to the insensitivity of local leadership. Let me be clear: those experiences are also part of the context for this number. We should be honoring and learning from that pain, not ignoring or minimizing it.

There will always be calls for the Church to be fully public with all of its financial operations. I'm not going to hold my breath for that to happen. For as long as those decision remain private and privileged, we will likely continue to gain access to the bulk of that information only through leaks, lawsuits, and legislation.
 
So what does a more realistic, achievable form of change look like on this front?
 
The thing that immediately comes to mind is to open up ward and stake financial clerk positions to women. Make is so any person within the Church, regardless of their gender, can see, be familiar with, and control the execution of financial policy and procedure on the local level.
 
Did you know the ward clerk has greater authority over how local funds are distributed than the bishop does? I didn't know that until my husband served in that position. I never would've known it if he hadn't because I'm a woman. It's also because I'm a woman in the US. If lived in Hong Kong, there are many leadership and administrative positions in the Church that would be open to me. So let's not pretend there's any necessary relationship between priesthood ordination and financial capability if the Church is already training women to serve effectively in these roles.

Moral of the story: People who criticize and exonerate without information are usually both wrong. Also, it's like a week before Christmas. If you don't have the energy for this outrage, feel free to let this one go.

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