"Be gentle!"

Once upon a time, a boy from my freshman ward at BYU was in the orbit of my friend group of women. Ballroom dancing is a very common co-ed activity there. He asked me to dance, then proceeded to lead me so aggressively, I thought my arms were going to pop out of my sockets. So I said that. 

"Be gentle! It feels like you're going to pull my arms out of their sockets."

He physically hurt me. I told him because I knew he was surrounded by women who wouldn't say anything. I didn't want him to hurt me or anyone else like that again. 

Well, there was dancing on a different day. I mentioned I didn't want to go. They had their partners and if there was a chance I was going to have to dance with that kid again, I wasn't interested. I believe I said something about dancing like a rhino.

One of my friends scolded me because apparently, what I said really hurt his feelings. He was really self-conscious about dancing with any other women because of what I said.

I didn't see the problem. I didn't feel bad. Sparing his feelings was not as important to me as my shoulders. She was genuinely mad at me that I wasn't sorry. I, as a woman, will not suffer any man to do anything that makes me uncomfortable or hurts me in any way. I shut that down without hesitation, by whatever means necessary. 

That's not a welcome attitude at BYU.

As a woman, I was expected not to do anything to jeopardize men's fragile egos. Even when they deserved it. This was enforced as much by women as it was by men. Perhaps more.

I thought about that just now. How my physical pain wasn't as important as a man's emotional discomfort in the mind of someone who was supposed to be my friend. And that I was the instrument of teaching her how wrong that was. She knows better now. But for her to arrive there, I had to be in a state of treachery to myself. I can tell myself I didn't care about what she said and her intentions. But I did. It did hurt. It made me question if I was worth protecting, even for half a second.

This happened when I was 18 or 19 years old. We were all idiots and trying to navigate new relationships we didn't understand. I don't hold it against her. But it made me think how we were willing to go through all of this with each other because of one man's feelings. 

If men understood how much women labor over their feelings, even at the expense of themselves and their own safety, I wonder how it would change them. 

It also makes me wonder how much they would reciprocate for women and girls in their lives.