Reflections at 19

Today is the anniversary of my confirmation into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Starting tomorrow will be my fourth year as a member of the Church (yesterday was my baptism date) and as such I think now is a good time to reflect on the changes that have made the journey such a special one.

I've given this a lot of thought over the past few days, and I feel confident that I can do this. So here we go: the 3 most important changes of my life as a result of joining the Church. I even feel confident that I can put them in order too.

I’m a woman, Phenomenally

The third most important change to my life is the ongoing process of learning to appreciate the fact that I'm a woman. In a world that has never treated women with the dignity and respect that she deserves, and in a culture that looks at the liberated woman so differently than the Church, finding joy in the fact that I'm a young woman has not been easy. And if I can be frank, yet still maintain a certain propriety, I've come to a sense that being a woman is probably the most physically and emotionally exhausting thing I could possibly be. If my body isn't going out of my way to make me anemic, it's pounding my brain with enough hormones to incapacitate me to tears for no apparent reason. There are some days when I do not see how being a girl is anything more than painful.

But now that I'm actually taking Relief Society to heart and allowing it to reveal the femininity I've so deliberately tucked away, I see that there is a crucial difference between being meek and being weak. There is no lasting strength in headlocks and roaring fits of angry rage; nor is there anything weak about a woman who willingly chooses to be gentle and docile in the ugly face of aggression. Choosing to be meek, in fact, is probably the hardest transition I've had to make because so much of what it requires is so different from my nature. My independence has allowed me to be bold in the face of great opposition, to speak firmly for what I know to be the truth in many instances where it was not the easy thing to do. However, there is more to be being a servant of God than preaching powerful words of deep testimony--it's also having the inner stillness and serenity to believe what you say, and to dwell comfortably in that holiest of kindly spirits.

It has been no small task for me to trade my Feminine Mystique for kitchen gloves, to cover my feminism with the apron of my calling and go to work. But the more I learned about the temple, what it means to truly honor those covenants, and the blessings that would be mine if I would be exact in my obedience and devotion, the more I knew what needed to be done. I gave up what I believed in exchange for what I truly wanted.

How many drops of blood were spilled for me?

Which brings me to the second most important change. Understanding and exercising the Atonement of Jesus Christ is the means by which every change in my life has been possible. He paid for my mortality that I might come here and get a body. He paid for me to have agency, that I might learn to use that body and make choices regarding my own destiny. He paid for the mistakes that I would certainly make because I am mortal. He paid an incredible price of ultimate pain and suffering that He might have perfect compassion for me at every moment in my life. In every sickness and despair, every longing and every loneliness, I have the comfort of heaven to be with me because Jesus Christ made the choice that would make it possible. And most amazing of all, He paid the price for our ability to rise from our graves and to become as gods; exalted beings in our Heavenly Father's kingdom.

Nothing less than a perfect sacrifice could have done all of that. And even though I know all of these things and I've spent the last 3 years of my life trying to understand and appreciate them, I just have to ask: How do you thank someone who has saved your life like that, even though it would cost Him everything in life and in death to do so? The idea that anyone could love ME that much is staggering to me. It will take me more than a lifetime to understand the fullest implications of what Christ did for everyone I know and love when He died to save us all.

When you bring these truths into your heart, you begin to see how true they are in your own life and it changes you. You're willing to take more things on faith, even things that don't exactly make sense because showing your gratitude to Him is more important to you than understanding every little detail about His plan.

I have a lot of work to do when it comes to relying on His perfect grace to truly change me, even though I know that what He offers will bring inexpressable joy to my life. If getting results in the way of recognizably becoming a better person was as easy as wanting it, I'd have made it ten times over.  But a reputation is a hard thing to outrun, I can tell you that much.

I Know He Lives

Which is why the most important thing I've learned is the most important thing on my list. My relationship with my Heavenly Father is the most important thing I possess. He is my greatest treasure and my joy, my Father and my friend, the one who loves me more than I will ever understand. And in return I try to love Him more than anything on earth and even heaven itself, more than anything that dwells in either place. What He has given me is a deep and abiding assurance that He loves me perfectly, and I will spend the rest of eternity learning what that really means. Tongue or pen have no words to express how much I love Him. All I can do to show Him is to live as He tells me so I can continue to be as close to Him as I possibly can until I see Him again.

Nothing less than that will ever satisfy the yearning that is in me, and nothing in this life is worth having that would take me away from that truth.

I'd like to bear my testimony that I know these things are true. I know that my God and my care for His Church is the reason for my every happiness, that God lives and heaven smiles upon those who treasure what matters most in life. In the name of Jesus Christ, whose truth this is.

AMEN

Water, Blood, & Spirit

It has been my pleasure to visit the Museum of Art since I've been living on campus, and I wish I would have started going there sooner. Quiet meditation has proven to be very good for me--something I managed to forget after Christmas break because I've been too nervous and conscious about spending too much time alone. It should have occurred to me that Satan (or perhaps just my lack of good sense) would try to convince me that something that is actually very good for me would be a mistake.

But I digress.

This painting by Ron Richard illustrates a section in Moses 6 from the Pearl of Great Price that has weighed heavily on my mind since my Pearl of Great Price professor emphasized it in class not too long ago. The part I want to emphasize is in from verses 59-62:

Photo of Triplus No. 3, painted by Ron Richmond

On display at Brigham Young University's Museum of Art

59 That by reason of transgression cometh the fall, which fall bringeth death, and inasmuch as ye were born into the world by water, and blood, and the spirit, which I have made, and so became of dust a living soul, even so ye must be born again into the kingdom of heaven, of water, and of the Spirit, and be cleansed by blood, even the blood of mine Only Begotten; that ye might be sanctified from all sin, and enjoy the words of eternal life in this world, and eternal life in the world to come, even immortal glory;

60 For by the water ye keep the commandment; by the Spirit ye are justified, and by the blood ye are sanctified;

61 Therefore it is given to abide in you; the record of heaven; the Comforter; the peaceable things of immortal glory; the truth of all things; that which quickeneth all things, which maketh alive all things; that which knoweth all things, and hath all power according to wisdom, mercy, truth, justice, and judgment.

62 And now, behold, I say unto you: This is the plan of salvation unto all men, through the blood of mine Only Begotten, who shall come in the meridian of time.

I sat in front of this painting for a long time, contemplating the symbolism in what I was seeing, and how the image before me represented the Plan of Salvation, and the more I thought about the completeness of the representation, the happier I became because I saw how perfectly everything fit together--but more importantly because I could feel it was true.

In verse 59, it presents an ordered list of water, blood, and Spirit. The order of the list is relevant, both forwards and backwards, because of everything it illustrates. For the sake of simplifying my life, I'm simply going to list what I've come up with so far:

• The Godhead - Spirit would obviously represent the Holy Ghost, and the blood Christ, but what I found to be profound was that Heavenly Father would be represented as water. So simple, yet so essential and inseparable from everything we are, and living itself.
• Spirit birth - As it was explained to me in my Pearl of Great Price class, we simply do not know much about the birth of our spirits. Verse 59 states that water, blood, spirit, and dust became a living soul, and I won't pretend like I begin to understand what that means. It probably has something to do with the fact that bodies are referred to in the scriptures as tabernacles of clay, in which case the "clay" has been consecrated to be a "tabernacle." It seems that only when our spirit is joined with our body that this consecration is complete.
• The Creation - Because the earth was created spiritually before it was created temporally, it has a spirit and must go through the same baptismal process as we do. Its baptism by water occurred at the flood, and by blood when Christ atoned for our sins in Gethsemane. When the earth undergoes baptism by fire at the second coming, it will be for the purpose of purifying the earth and preparing it for the work that will continue after His coming.
• The Fall - The Fall was a necessary transition from the spirit world to the mortal world, or between Spirit and blood. Life does not end with mortality, however, and we must be cleansed through the blood of Christ's atonement before we can progress as purified beings and return to Heavenly Father's presence.
• The Atonement - Much of the Christian community mistakingly thinks the Atonement took place only upon the cross at Calvary, which is why Latter-day Saints often get weird looks about not holding the cross as a symbol of our faith. In actuality, the Atonement began in the garden of Gethsemane where Christ took upon Him the sins of the world and bled from every pore. He gave up the protection of the Spirit, His blood, and His divinity in that moment in order to be the kind of sacrifice He had to be to save us all. Only "an infinite and eternal sacrifice" of a God would be able to atone for the sins of the world, and by giving up His Spirit, blood, and water, Christ was able to do that for us. (Alma 34: 10)
• Baptism - Baptism into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints includes many specific details that were restored to the earth in order that the ceremony and covenant would be in harmony with what it was supposed represent. We believe in baptism by full immersion; the entire body has to go under water to represent death to the natural man. Then, by the laying on of hands (a part of the body), we can be confirmed, and the gift of the Holy Ghost is then conferred upon us, and we can have that constant companionship, according to our worthiness.
• Eternity - In Doctrine and Covenants 76, we learn that the kingdom of heaven has three separate kingdoms; the Telestial, Terrestrial, and Celestial kingdoms.
• The Telestial kingdom is the one I have the hardest time understanding because I'm not sure how to distinguish the Telestial kingdom from Perdition and outer darkness, but the Spirit part of this metaphor makes it a lot clearer. Outer darkness would be receiving none of God's substance. The Telestial Kingdom, however, would be like receiving of angelic ministry and spirits, but nothing more.
• The Terrestrial kingdom will essentially be like the Garden of Eden, where God's children who were righteous temporally will no longer live in carnality or sin of blood and body, but will not have the fullest joy because they also cannot bear children.
• The Celestial kingdom in the greatest glory that God can bestow upon His children, comparable to the exceeding brilliance of the sun's light. Only in this realm, we believe, can Heavenly Father's sons and daughters become gods and goddesses. What most people don't realize is that such a thought is hardly blasphemous because it isn't possible without Heavenly Father. Period. It requires all the purity of water, metaphorically speaking, and nothing less will ever get someone to that point. While we've all been given the choice to be that pure, and many still are being taught about the choices they have to make in order to inherit that grace, the bar is high because it's a matter of becoming, not a matter of passing the test until you can get through the door. Someone once expressed to me that most people probably won't be going there because of how hard it is to get there, and I believe that from what I've seen in my life. Purity is the highest law because it requires a complete transformation. To go from red blood to clear water would require nothing short of a miraculous transformation.

This is just a list of what I have time to go into now, but I imagine you could take just about anything that God has made, any part of His plan of salvation, and these elements will be a part of it somewhere. Thinking ahead to the day when I receive my Endowment, I really do wonder how much of what I'm being taught will also be evident in those temple covenants. That knowledge is not the kind of thing I would ever seek before my time, but I do know that the Spirit has a way of teaching and preparing us ahead of time for many things that might have otherwise been overwhelming. For now, I am satisfied with the truth I have been given, and find great joy in pondering on it still.

I'm grateful for the opportunity that I have been given to be in such a spiritual community where I can be worthy to receive such beautiful teachings. I also testify that if we will seek out the Spirit of God, it will teach us lessons that will bring us to an understanding of our Father's world and what marvelous, miraculous gifts He has given to us, His children. I testify of the joy he has given me, and my heart swells to know that an infinite and eternal deity, my Heavenly Father, would care so much about me to teach me of His artistry so that I can come home; because at the end of the day--after water, blood, and Spirit rest from His labors--that's the only place I want to be.

Happy Baptism Day!

And I will not suffer, saith the Lord of Hosts, that the cries of the fair daughters of this people, which I have led out of the land of Jerusalem, shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts. (Jacob 2: 32)

Today is the anniversary of my baptism; tomorrow, my confirmation. My reflection over the past year began at noon today when I was in Young Women's; the same time I was being submerged into the waters of Mormon last year. I remember how anxious and serious I was from the very beginning. I knew that converting to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints would take my life in an entirely new direction. My mind was overwhelmed with everything that was rampaging through it.

I remember wanting so badly to finally be baptized, but at the same time wanting to savor the experience. I wanted to be saved from my iniquity, but I wasn't sure I could say goodbye to the natural girl in me. I wanted to be righteous, but I was afraid that I would fail miserably. My confidence in my decision never wavered, but I was unsure that I could be the Saint He wanted me to be. I knew my past better than anyone else, and I wasn't sure that my life had the adequate materials to create a Saint.

But I was willing to try, and was soon blessed with more materials than I even knew what to do with. And ever since then, I've never had a second thought about my life, and the direction it has taken. I testify that those who seek to come to the Lord's fold will not be turned away; we may be tested, but we are never forsaken. We may be tried, but we are never forgotten. We may be lonely, but we are never alone. How can I even do His love justice with words?

I quickly saw that my baptism was only the beginning to the life that was in store for me. I had so much more coming to me that I never could have foreseen. My patriarchal blessing, my first trip inside the temple on my birthday, my mom accepting that Mormonism is my religion, and the LDS and non-LDS lives that He has allowed me to touch along the way. Even today, my newest friend from Germany was asking me and my friends about "For Strength of Youth." And just recently, my classmate was wondering how to get a copy of an LDS Bible because of how great the concordance is. Little instances and opportunities to bless lives like these remind me of how far I've come, and how blessed I've been to truly know My Father in Heaven and His Son. And of course, "Father, thy will be done, and the glory be thine forever." (Moses 4: 2) My life would be nothing without everything They've given me, and I can only hope that I will continue to be faithful and strong in Their mission; to Endure to the End like the valiant Saint They saw in me before I did.

My life is at an Autumn, a season of changing, and I have no idea where the Lord will take me. But as long as His loving hands are around me, I will not fear. As long as I have His love, His Son, and His Church in my life, I will not be lost. I will not be a sin-beaten tragedy crying for a name.

I will be His beloved Paradox; quirks and all.