The People You Meet in Infertility

Let's take it from the top and have a conversation about Hannah, and all the people around her who aren't making her life any easier.

Person 1: Peninnah, the sister wife

This heifer taunts and makes snide comments to Hannah about not being able to get pregnant. For years, she does this incessantly until it gives Hannah anxiety and makes her openly cry in public. Now, this is just about the most extreme, hurtful example there is. But encapsulated in Peninnah is a lot of hurtful behavior that many with infertility do experience.

Relatives that make your infertility about them and their feelings? People with better luck passing judgment, asking impertinent questions, or making stupid comments that show how little they understand about what you're going through? Hannah's got that in spades.

Person 2: Elkanah, the husband

"Why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons?"

This line makes me laugh every time I read it. He's trying so hard, and he has no idea what to do. Infertility is something couples experience together, while experiencing differently. It's not up to one partner to save, fulfill, or change the way the other partner feels. And because he has children with another wife, he isn't even fully experiencing Hannah's infertility the way she is.

Elkanah. You can't fix everything with the magical gift of your presence. You're not chocolate.

Person 3: Eli, the priest

I'm sorry if this is news to anyone. But walking up to a woman he doesn't know, interrupting her when she's praying, and telling her to go home because she's drunk is not at all helpful. And in that spirit, let's talk about strangers giving unhelpful advice and feedback on reproductive health. Because that has not changed at all.

If you've ever started any sentence to an infertile person with "why don't you just" or "have you tried," you weren't really doing that person any favors. They had to educate you, against their will, about why your behavior was not okay. Anyone who has been experiencing infertility for longer than five minutes will have already explored any option the average person can think of off the top of their head. Trust me on that one. They don't want or need uninvited input from a random stranger who is not a doctor, no matter who that stranger is.

And of course, because Eli is actually the priest, he gets all the credit for "fixing" Hannah with his super special priesthood. I'll pose you a question. Does he though? Point to me in 1 Samuel 1 where Hannah is cured of her infertility because of Eli and the absolute bare minimum he does, after he extracts his foot from his mouth? I'll wait.

Hannah, in my estimation, did everything that was required of her when she prayed to the Lord from the depths of her soul. He doesn't deserve credit for what she did, just because he holds the priesthood. Especially since he's not even good at it. See literally every other chapter he's in.

Person 4: Herself

The most powerful verse in this entire story is when she finishes her prayer, dusts herself off, ignores these wearisome people, gets something to eat, "and her countenance was no more sad." 

She left that moment having absolutely no idea if, when, or how her prayer was going to be answered. She wasn't sad anymore because she decided she deserved to go on living, even if it never was. She accepted that she might never have children. I know that because that was the exact moment I stopped being sad about my own situation, which I did after I read this story for the first time and truly understood it.
Now you may be thinking, why would God do this to her? Shutting up her womb like that. Why wouldn't he do it to the heifer to teach her some humility? Why do it to this very awesome lady?

My awesomeness is debatable, but let me hazard an answer to that one.

Infertility is not the end of the world. It feels like that at times. But that's because of how much of our personal worth and self-perception are wrapped up in eventually being able to have and raise kids. I am not sorry that I experience infertility anymore. I've been going through it long enough that I'm grateful for it. I'm glad this is how my life turned out. I don't live in a constant state of wishing for this part of it to be different anymore.

I've lived with infertility long enough to see how liberating it can be. I've gotten the chance to know and love myself in a way I couldn't if my entire being was wrapped up in taking care of tiny humans and giving them the things they need. That's why one of the things that still bothers me is when people say "you'll never know love until you have kids." But parents don't get the monopoly on true love. It may be true for them to say that those without children can't understand the love they have for their kids. However, it would be equally valid for me to say that they don't know the love infertile people have and develop for themselves because it's something they don't get to experience. There are many kinds of love in this world, and none of them are more valid or valuable than any other.

The fact is, "shutting up my womb" was the best, most loving thing God has ever done for me. It's what I needed and he understood that. Sometimes I feel like he's the only one who does. It's not a mistake. It's not his plan gone awry. It is his plan for my life. It's what the plan of happiness looks like for me.

I'm glad Hannah's story is in the scriptures. I don't know where I'd be without it.

On Using Cosmetic Surgery to Bag a Temple Marriage

I don't know what bothers me more about this: young women being sent toxic messages about their bodies, or encouraging them to internalize those messages for the sake of marrying a returned missionary from the Church.

I married a returned missionary. I was instrumental in why he became an returned missionary. I understand the desire to have that quality in a spouse. But I also served a mission, and I can tell you that returned missionaries are not the be all and end all of existence. Some of the most unfocused, selfish, rude, sexist, and irresponsible people I've ever met were missionaries, who are now home.

Serving a mission doesn't guarantee discipleship. Not all returned missionaries are good people who are prepared to be good marriage partners. Young people come home unchanged by their missions every week of the year. If marrying an RM is that important of a bar for you, to permanently alter yourself for it because there's no other way to obtain it, you are in for a very rude surprise.

I married a returned missionary because I wanted someone who was investing in the Lord and in others. I didn't want someone consumed with investing in himself. That's why there were plenty of returned missionaries I said no to along the way. They were more focused on themselves than anyone else. That might've allowed me to be married in the temple, but it wasn't a good foundation for an eternal marriage. Whether Latter-day Saints want to acknowledge it or not, there is a difference between the two.

Preying on the insecurities of young people by telling them to "invest" in their appearances and linking it to finding a spouse is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to sell cosmetic surgery. If spirituality and selflessness in a partner is what matters most, why try to make physical appearance your most distinguishing feature? That's not how you find it. It's totally incongruent with what matters most about having served a mission, which should be becoming a more Christ-like person.

That is why God taught Samuel that "the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7)

Not to mention breast augmentation is painful. I had a roommate in college who "downsized" for the sake of her own health years before I met her. She was still experiencing side effects for years afterwards. Expecting anyone to experience that pain for the sake of being "attractive" is despicable, sexist, and wrong.

Beauty fades. We all age, wrinkle, and sag. If a person can't accept that, they are unprepared to be married, especially not forever. Because forever is a long time, too long in fact, to live with someone who is incapable of loving you as you are.

Perfectionism

Spending time in the temple has become some of the most meaningful expression of my faith. I have come to rely so much upon worshiping in the temple to help me see clearly, I don't know how I would continue to function without it. Being able to return there on Friday provided much relief, and I am still internalizing much of what I received there.

What I love most about my time in the temple is that everything becomes so much more clear to me. I see the improvements which I've made, and I can see the exact improvements the Lord wishes me to make. Nothing about that vantage point is exaggerated or overwhelming. I am really coming to grips with my nature of perfectionism, and the temple allows me to silence that desire within me to be more than I am. Heavenly Father knows better than anyone else how to help me find the rest I crave from feeling like my present efforts are insufficient to truly serve God to the degree which I expect from myself.

This was a real issue of mine on the mission, a weakness which troubled me deeply until I took my problem to the Lord at the temple in São Paulo. My perfectionism was beginning to get out of control, and it was affecting my ability to be satisfied not only with my efforts, but the efforts of those around me in our respective walks along the path of discipleship. I knew I needed a reality check, but I was afraid to ask for that correction because I imagined it was going to hurt and taste too much like punishment.

However, the temple is not a house of pain and punishment. It is a house of learning. In the clarity of God's unhindered spirit within those hallowed walls, I read Alma 37 as if I had never truly seen it before in my life. Verses leaped off the pages and struck me deeply as I was reminded of one of the most fundamental lessons of the gospel.

6 Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.
7 And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls.

In my efforts to serve faithfully, I had lost sight of the Lord's true method for working with His children. His expectations of us are truly small and simple. His standard is not for us to do all things on our own, or to grow to such a state that we do not need Him anymore. Rather, we simply live up to the simple commitments and commandments He left for us, and anything else we may try to do is looking beyond the mark.

I have been corrected about this enough that I recognize this weakness in myself. But I didn't reach true understanding in regards to how to live more serenely until I was in the temple on Friday. When I was able to simply sit and listen without some sort of agenda, I was able to hear what God wanted me to learn.

 I opened to 1 Samuel 17, the story of David and Goliath. I didn't immediately recognize it because I had never actually read it before, but it instantly became one of my favorites among the stories of the Old Testament. I was vaguely familiar with the overall idea that David slew a giant named Goliath, which I was sure related to faith on some level. But as always, the miracles of God aren't in "the gist," but in the details of the scriptures. And that's what I discovered as I read.

39 And David girded his sword upon his armour, and he assayed to go; for he had not proved it. And David said unto Saul, I cannot go with these; for I have not proved them. And David put them off him.
40 And he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd’s bag which he had, even in a scrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine.

...

49 And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.

That David doesn't take a sword (with which he has no skill) becomes significant because he refuses to expect the Lord to bless him with an irrational miracle. It reminds me of how Nephi, when building the ship, asked for ore to make tools instead of expecting the Lord to simply give him tools. To David, it made more sense to ask the Lord to magnify the skills he already possessed with his staff and sling, than to expect the Lord to make a swordsman of someone who had never before lifted a sword.

David instead offers his best skills to the Lord, and of that the Lord is able to work a miracle.

It's in that exchange that I gained my greatest insight for my situation. David offered his expertise with a sling and his greatest accuracy--his best shot. The Lord took that offering and magnified it enough that it could slay a giant. That offering is the same thing the Lord expects from all of us. He doesn't want us to expect Him to fix our problems by magically making something of us we didn't work to become. So instead, he asks us to do whatever it is we CAN do, even if it's simply using a stone and a slingshot.

The stone is a type of one of the most paradoxical teachings in all scripture: by small and simple things are great things brought to pass. Small things, lived and applied in our lives with exactness allow us to overcome great problems. But the most important aspect of that equation is exactness. If David's stone hadn't been exact, it wouldn't have had the impact on the giant to take him down. It's the same thing with the Lord. If we will be exact in our part, aiming for our greatest accuracy, the Lord will magnify our power to obtain a miraculous result.

I like the idea of working together with the Lord more than trying to do things on my own. I see more and more all the time that it's a better way to live. And even if it doesn't come out that way in practice, I'm grateful that I have the temple in my life where God can at least reinforce the lesson until I learn it. In a choice between learning by hard knocks and the Lord's hands, I'll take the Lord any day, because I'm finally starting to trust Him enough to see that they aren't the same thing.

I know that God lives and He cares for each one of His children. I know He is actively involved in our lives because I see Him doing such meaningful things in mine. I know that as we seek for His help we will always find it. I know that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God, and I know that it's because of His Sacrifice that I can be saved from my sins and imperfections. I leave that testimony with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.