If I Had a Contract for Every New Bishop

Another round of Bishop Roulette in progress.

I just got word that the bishopric in the ward I'm supposed to be attending got released. This doesn't really change anything for me, but it got me thinking about what it would look like for me if it did make a difference. 

What would it take?

Sometimes I wish I could lay out a contract between me and every bishop I have. So much friction I experience with them is so predictable, I wish I could just lay it out in writing. And when those things happen, I can just pull out the contract to review. It wouldn't prevent any of the things in it from happening, but it would certainly speed up the conversations afterwards.

What would be in it? So glad you asked.

My Bishop's Contract 

I have accepted every calling that has ever been offered to me. As of 2015, I will not accept any calling in Primary. Do not ask. The answer is "No." I can and will translate my refusal into other languages, if necessary.

All other callings I receive will inevitably intersect with real problems within the unit. I will attempt to resolve these problems to the best of my ability, with every tool and resource at my disposal. I will communicate the nature of this problem with you in writing. If nothing changes, I will resume attempts to solve the problem on my own. If this does not work, I will resume communication with you on the problem. If you ignore or dismiss me, I will proceed to go over, under, around, and through you at every opportunity. It will ruin our working relationship. That relationship will need to be remedied before it will ever become functional again. I will not initiate relationship remediation with men who do not listen.

I will outlast you in any and all power struggles you, as bishop, attempt to engage in with me. I will make every good faith effort to avoid power struggles with you or anyone else in the ward. I have better things to do with my time and energy. I will remind you of this reality once before such a power struggle begins. I will never start a power struggle, but I will always finish it.

If you are disrespectful to the women in the unit, including the female leadership, I will personally destroy every inch of your religious outlook where any such thoughts can reside. I will weaponize the full measure of my faith against you. I would highly discourage you from finding out what that means or what it looks like. You will not like it.

I will be nice to your wife, even if I personally do not like you. I know for a fact I could never do her job. I will pray for her more than I pray for you because you already have a host of people praying for you. She needs more people praying for her. Out of my respect to her and to your children, I will never, ever call your house unless it's actually an emergency. I restrict all non-urgent communication to text and email for posterity.

If you call me for anything, you have to tell me what it's for. I will not accept any invitation to any meeting until I know what it's about beforehand.

I do not desire or require any correction in my current political stances. If anyone says anything sexist, racist, or homophobic in my presence, I will cause problems for them on purpose. I will wear my Pride pin year round. I will wear pants to church whenever I want. I will not notice anyone who has a problem with it. I will never accurately identify that this was the reason someone was upset. Feel free not to tell me if they complain. If your correction gets lost on its way to them and ends up with me instead, I will politely and privately redirect it once. After that, I will cause problems for you on purpose. I will openly refute any attempt to disparage me in the same setting where any challenge is made. 

If you are about to or have wronged me in any way, I will not loose sleep about it. I will tell you directly how you have upset me and hand it over to God. What He does to you about it after that is your affair. I will accept your apology when you offer it. I have accumulated many apologies from bishops over the years. You may add yours, in person or in writing, at your convenience. 

Show me pictures of your dogs or cats and it will cover a multitude of sins. 

Sign and date.